Where the road leads next

I have moved!

2008-01-08T09:23:00.000-05:00

It is time to move over to Wordpress.

http://davielife.wordpress.com/

All my readers - all three of you - update your feed.

Gearing up for baby #4

2008-01-07T09:33:00.000-05:00

We are six weeks pregnant.

This time around, Julie is really feeling it. She told me yesterday that while on the way to church she almost asked me to pull over three times to puke. I was so happy!

I feel bad for her, really I do, but I am so excited that she is this sick! The last pregnancy, two years ago, was not like this. Our little one was on the outside of the uterus, and by six weeks my wife was bleeding internally and in real danger.

That was then.

We are confident that things are where they should be this time around, and I am thinking we are having twins, because she has never felt this bad before. I say we, even though I know my wife is the one who is pregnant, but I have always felt very connected with our kids from the start. I love being a daddy. I love the responsibility of raising children. I love that I am the protector and provider. I absolutely thrive on it.

So when I say we - I really mean it like that. Children are a blessing. Sometimes they enter our lives easy, and sometimes they arrive to challenge us, but they are always a blessing.

I am still not over losing the last one. It honestly almost killed me, and I can't explain that to most men, but most women I have talked with understand it. It was the hope of what was to come that I miss, that is what creeps up and grabs me and sucker punches me out of the blue. Not just the hope of the life that our child was unable to complete, but the hope of that new life in us and our family. It just makes me sad, and I fear I will never be able to accept that there was absolutely nothing I could have done.

So I wasn't sure how I would feel about going down this road again knowing what "might" happen. We were not trying to get pregnant. We had been praying about adoption and wanted confirmation either way by January.

God is cool - eh?

There is no physical reason to think we could not have another successful pregnancy. Doctors gave us the green light, friends have been encouraging us, but it took God to do a work. Knowing a c-section is on the way for my wife, I have never pushed it with her. It is scary as hell to watch your wife get cut open, so part of me was okay with the decision to just wait it out. Now that we are pregnant, it just seems like the right thing, and we have the faith to know it will all work out.

Almost 2 years after losing our third pregnancy we find ourselves passing a painful milestone. The most amazing thing is we find ourselves getting over a bump in the road of life, a detour that ultimately lead to so much healing, a siding that allowed us to catch our breath and recover. We are making plans and thinking about names and wondering what it all means.

There are careers to consider and home schooling and piano lessons and income and moving, and, and it is just all so exciting!

We are blessed, simply blessed.

Something new for 2008

2008-01-05T10:05:00.000-05:00

A new label for posts.

Friends come and go

2008-01-03T14:28:00.000-05:00

My Dad sent me this video of a kiteboarder. Take note of the jet in the sky 10 seconds into the video.

Obviously this did not end well for that young man.

How to look good naked

2008-01-03T09:32:00.000-05:00

Admittedly this is an odd thing to post about, but I was metro sexual long before it was in vogue to be one. I made my own clothing in the eighties for heaven sake, and to this day refuse to wear tennis shoes with anything other than an outfit that looks like I could run in. I never leave home without a belt and matching shoes and always smell good, really good. If all that was not enough to convince you, a secret motivation I have to lose some weight this year is so that I can buy new designer clothes at Ross. I am big enough to kill most men with my bare hands but would rather go shopping for clothes, write poetry, paint, or sing.

God has a sense of humor.

Even though I am built like middle linebacker, I have always struggled with body image. The self loathing comes in waves and I have never been able to fully understand it. I have been told that a poor body image is a normal effect of sexual abuse and can be difficult to pin down. Uncovering that hurt and getting healing from it is on the agenda for 2008.

If my email in-box is any indication, low self esteem is the number one issue for men and the number one issue for women is what men don't have! It is said in those cleverly craft3d m3ssag3s that what women are most concerned with is a phallus large enough to puncture their uterus. 4"- 6" which was adequate since Adam and Eve, has suddenly doubled to 8"- 10" and the message is if you don't measure up a pill will get you there in only 5 weeks!

"90% of women say they are unsatisfied with their partners size."

Really!? All the while I was told the main issues in marriage are money and infidelity. I guess the infidelity part is the women going out for a bigger... oh wait, men cheat 70% compared to women and the reasons women cheat are predominantly emotional. Imagine my shock to find out via email that women secretly want to be RotoRooted.

It all makes sense now.

Please.

I will admit that being bombarded by this stuff does not help my body image. Sure I think I would look better with more, but the truth is the number one way for a guy to add length to his twig is to lose that 2 or 3 inches of fat parka around it! Even though their wives have never complained, I am certain that most guys would agree that more must be better. We are fragile like that. We like to have the biggest fastest hardest longest loudest most expensive anything. It makes us feel secure and in control. The absolute last thing we want to feel insecure about is our boys, and God forbid if it is average!

In any case, wieners are not the point of this post. What is the point is that I can relate to the self loathing and pain overweight women carry as I watched this free episode of "How to look good naked". Carson is a bit flaming for my taste, but looking past that he has a great heart and did more good in 5 days with Layla than most people ever do for anyone else in a lifetime.

Granted, there is more to life than looking and feeling good but I think we overlook the impact that can have on us spiritually. We barely understand the physical side of life, are just getting a handle on the emotional side, and can't even come close to a consensus on the spiritual. We may find out that all three are equally important and God is equally concerned with all three.

I know from experience that if I can't love myself fully I will be hard pressed to fully love God. How can we love the creator if we hate the created? Loving ourselves enough to start taking care of ourselves can propel us to love God who in turn tells us how much He loves us which in turn causes us to love ourselves all the more.

I used to think this was selfishness and the ultimate form of faith was denial of self. Somewhere I picked up the lie that a life of disdain was somehow Godly and honored Him. That is garbage. There is certainly a point where self love, i.e. selfishness is wrong, but the motive for selfishness is a tough one to pin down. Most selfish people I meet are not selfish because they are complete - they are selfish because they lack.

If we are truly "full" and at peace with us the natural outflow is to take the love we have for ourselves and love our neighbors with it. Without exception, the times when I am selfish are times when I am hurting. Without exception, the times when I am loving and giving are when the world seems right.

If I hate me - the natural outflow is for me to hate others.

2008 is a year for me to look good naked. I am determined to get over myself enough to be happy in my own skin. I am determined to bare it all to help others. I am determined to stop wasting one more minute, one more hour, one more day obsessing negatively about ME.

Looking good naked is a great place to start and it is much more than skin deep. Our motives are naked before God. Our hearts are naked before God. Our thoughts are naked before Him as well.

Looking good naked should be the motive for everything.

The art of lying

2008-01-02T09:25:00.000-05:00

I have been away from the office since the 21st of December.

It was the first time I have left on vacation and did not have to come in to fix a problem. Since I am the only IT person and the only one that knows how to read a user manual, I have job security like no other.

This time was different and it was unnervingly quiet over vacation. I think I received one cell phone call the whole week and not one work related call. Not one desperate call to inform me the internet was down, or that email was broken, or that all the files on the server mysteriously disappeared.

Nothing.

So here I sit, an hour and a half after arriving from a week away with everything completed.

For the rest of the week.

I have a small freelance project to work on that will take me all of 5 minutes to complete, but other than that I got nothin. Zip. Zero. Nada.

While sitting here contemplating what I could do for the next hour before leaving for my Al-Anon meeting, a conversation down the hall bumped into my consciousness. It was one of our sales weasels talking to a client. Apparently his vacation was not so uneventful, because I could hear the familiar backpedal of platitudes one gets while trying to save ones nether regions. Apparently his client had a firm grip on bits and pieces and was applying pressure.

A funny thing happens when faced with pain or even discomfort, we tend to do and say anything to get out of it. I have noticed this with my children, but obviously this behavior is not age specific as Mr. sales weasel was saying anything to mollify his client.

It worked. She bought the explanation that we use scales to count the number of sheets we deliver and that her shortage was simply a calibration issue, one that has never happened before.

If someone tells you "it never happened before" you can all but guarantee a Clintonesque "is - is" is happening to you. It may have never happened before in 2008, but shorting a client on product is a given in printing, especially this shop.

So as I sit waiting for the next project to drop out of the sky, our new "Christian" sales weasel down the hall has successfully summited the pinnacle of capitalistic virtues by painting with broad stokes. Although not technically a lie, certainly not truth.

Sales weasel has perfected the art of lying.

What does compromise cost in 2008?

Apparently 8% commission on a $500.00 print job.

I am terrible at keeping secrets

2007-12-30T19:48:00.000-05:00

Apparently this sort of thing is genetic, because Alex "hinted" the day he bought our iTunes gift cards what he was giving us for Christmas. "I was looking through the electronics department at Target, and it just jumped out at me, the perfect gift for everyone! I got one for each of you." He tried the old big box little gift thing but only because it was fun for him to think he was fooling us.

Elizabeth started angling for gifts to open on the 22nd and persisted until we basically gave in and let her open one on Christmas Eve. We usually do this anyway, but it was fun to make her think she got her way. Each night she would plead her case and snuggle up close to Daddy with those sweet hazel eyes but I am immune to her charm. I can't say the same for her mother, I am still a sucker when it comes to her.

Alex had been rummaging through the gift bags all week informing the recipient that they would "really like their gifts", so needless to say there were few surprises this Christmas.

But there was one!

And I can't tell you.

Because it is a secret.

So you are just going to have to wait until 2008 to find out.

Actually, I am going to have to wait until 2008 to find out as well so we will wait together.

Patiently.

Just to warn you I don't wait patiently so I may sneak a peek before I tell you.

That's just how I roll. Don't hate the player hate the game. Growing up in a household of 8 has imprinted the survival rule that it is every man for himself.

But if I find out before 2008 I will most definitely let you know!

not.

The lack of secret keeping may be genetic, but a funny thing happens with genetics.

Time changes them.

;)

Upside Down

2007-12-27T12:34:00.000-05:00

I have determined that 2007 was an upside down year.

I had no idea our stop in Wisconsin October of 2006 on the way to visit relatives was a premonition for the year to come, but there can be no doubt that 2007 for me was the beginning of undoing.

Time has a funny way of pilling up changes to the point where you must deal with them. I am sure there is a divine directive in this but since measuring God is nearly impossible, time will have to do.

Time was pilling it on in 2007.

I don't even remember 2007 being all that spectacular. It was filled with the usual doldrum of work that will horrifically be 10 years in January. It is almost inconceivable that I have spent 10 years of my life in the same office. 10 years driving to the same location. Apparently I needed that much time to get whatever I was supposed to get out of that job. I am all but certain I will not be there much past 2008. I still have no idea what is next, but I can feel that change is on the horizon.

Change has taken on a new meaning for me in 2007. The year proved that even though times get tough, economies turn for the worse, wars linger, and dreams die, change is just around the corner. Walk the path of patience long enough and a fork will be found, or better said the fork will find you. Hold onto indecision long enough and it will turn into a decision. Learning to trust that waiting can be the best action is a lesson garnered only by experience.

Trust can only be experienced by finding yourself in a place where you must. I still don't like it, but what I think is becoming less important to what I know. I know better in 2007.

The best thing learned this last year was that "I don't know" is an answer. It is as complete an answer as "I do know" and always preferable to "I think I know". "I don't know" was the start of so many wonderful things like "I don't want" and the second best thing I learned, "no". "No" and I have become best friends, much to the chagrin of those that never heard it uttered by me. "Yes" has been added lately, but it is always slung and counterbalanced with no. No can be cut loose at any time and always trumps yes. Yes is just the trail blazer for no.

There can be no doubt to those who have watched me this year that 2007 was a banner year for me marked by the simple fact that nothing spectacular happened. There was no crisis. There was no "have to". The most noteworthy thing was that there was no noteworthy thing. Even blogging took on a different flavor as concern for real change trumped the internal drive for change simply for the sake of change.

Mind you, this year has not been without its drama. In fact, more had transpired this year in the way of real crisis than I can remember in long time. The difference is that this time around there is simply nothing I can do about it. It is all external, and as such, is completely out of my control. Sure I still worry about it, but I find myself able to (for the most part) put things into perspective and realize that if things are to change, God is the one who has to do it. It is all on Him, so either way it will turn out good.

I realized that truth about a month ago and it has made all the difference. I am not 100% there yet, but most days I look with anticipation to what may come. Dread has been replaced with hope and even though I have a vivid imagination about all that could be, I choose to dwell on what is.

2007 was an upside down year. 2008 will be all right.

Ron Paul Bears Empty Pot For Americans

2007-12-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

I am a Ron Paul fan but this article got me thinking.

I know there are dissenting views on how things should be run in America, but the bottom line for me is that I can not stand the idea of the Clinton's running the country for another 4 years.

Do you realize that two families have been in power for over twenty years! Two - the Bush's and the Clinton's.

Think about it.

If Hillary gets the nod and convinces the "give me class" to use the power of government to steal your wealth and give it to them, we are setting ourselves up for 24 or 28 years of rule from just two families, two ideals, two ways of thinking, two lines of power.

Make no mistake, Hillary has one thing in mind - socialism. She is no more concerned about traditional American values of liberty, family, and faith than she is in defending the constitution. The constitution is simply a roadblock, a "living document", a framework, something to be manipulated to take power away from the people.

Make no mistake, the GOP has one thing in mind - fascism. Both parties are on the same track, just different trains. Do NOT be fooled again by fear and the flag and the cross and vote your freedom away. The education bill, NAFTA, CAFTA, no child left behind, the horrific Patriot Act, which effectively gives dictatorship authority to the president and suspends all your civil liberties and rights if deemed a "terrorist" all happened on the GOP watch.

Think NAFTA is no big deal?

Sinclair Lewis said: "When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross."

28 years is a long time people.

We are not subjects - we are free people. We are not to be ruled over, we are to be governed by men and women we elect to represent US! The power behind the office of President is granted by the people. It is not a right for a privileged few, it is the office of the people, for the people, by the people.

Don't you think it is time for someone else to have a go at it?

So True

2007-12-20T15:19:00.000-05:00

I have never been more proud of my BSU diploma!

2007-12-18T09:14:00.000-05:00

Bemidji State University on Apple.com!

What are the odds that I would read about my beloved alma mater on Apple's website? I used to work in that "Super Computer Lab" they talk about in the article. I was working there when we got the new Apple Quadra 700's with 8MB or RAM! I have more RAM on my cell phone.

I like to think I was instrumental in pushing the envelope at the lab, and just maybe some of my curiosity rubbed off. I was the first to export DXF files from Autocad to Strata much to the amazement of my professors and disgust of my classmates.

Modeled in Autocad - rendered in StrataVision
1991

I still remember creating that bike, saving it to a floppy disk, walking it over to the Macintosh and importing it. It Worked!

I miss the excitement of discovery. Most days the most excitement I get around here is not hitting traffic on the way home.

Of course all that was eons ago, over 15 years! In any case, it is good to see that BSU is still leading the way in creative thinking.

Go Beavers!

Apple OS X Leoapard shows some teeth!

2007-12-17T16:03:00.001-05:00

I just upgraded my iMac to 10.5, and was browsing my Windows network at the office and I noticed these cute little Windows PC Server icons.
Being a savvy network administrator, I thought I noticed something "familiar" with the image on the screen. So I opened the network in "cover flow" and had to laugh.

The screen on the Windows PC's are all blue screens of death!

HA HA HA HA HA!

See, this is what I love about Apple - not only do they create incredible hardware and software, they have creative people that take the time to add that little extra to make something great.

click image for larger view.

Well played Apple - Well played.

Learning to trust lesson #5

2007-12-17T09:41:00.000-05:00

I have determined that learning to trust is one of those lessons that must be experienced in order to master. Trust is an action - like swimming - you can't really learn how to swim by reading about it, or talking about it, or thinking about it.

The only way we learn how to swim is to get wet.

It is this realization, and ONLY this realization, that has allowed me to walk down this road of learning to trust. Walk is too strong a word, it is more like crawl, or perhaps a slow shuffle. In any case I am determined to do what ever it takes to make forward progress. At times it feels like the only thing moving me on is my stubborn determination to prove that if trust is an experience, come hell or high water, I WILL experience it.

Sink or swim - I am getting wet.

The anonymous card the usher handed me at church on our way out yesterday was a startling splash in the face. I certainly wasn't expecting the $250.00 gift card. I never even fought the temptation an hour earlier to keep my tithe check or balked at giving the $25.00 for the staff, even though the act guaranteed my kids would have one less gift this year. And my reward for dipping a toe into the deep waters of faith was I didn't drown!

I know it is almost impossible to drown getting a toe wet, but I assure you that small act from my vantage point was not unlike tipping over the edge of Niagara Falls.

This week looks like it may be a "knee deep" week. The funny thing is the water doesn't seem all that bad now that I have been in it a while. There are no crashing waves, no slippery rocks. No one is pushing me off the dock or throwing me off the boat. This learning to swim is nothing if not....

Peaceful.

Meow - Muse

2007-12-14T10:36:00.001-05:00

I was looking through my photo library today and found these 2 pictures my son took.

It got me thinking about pictures, how powerful they are, and why I seem to forget that I love photography.

There really is no good excuse why I haven't taken more pictures. I have a decent digital SLR, a great Macintosh computer, I am an expert in PhotoShop, and have all the time I need to play. The only thing I can point to is that I have simply lost interest in a subject.

My son loves his cats so when he gets in the mood to click the cats are his muse.

I got no muse.

My New Year's resolution is to make time for pictures.

My New Year's resolution is to find my muse.

Brian Regan

2007-12-12T16:04:00.000-05:00

I.Love.This.Guy

humor, that is.

ER Part 1

ER Part 2

Doctor

Walkie Talkie

A Bird for Christmas

2007-12-12T14:57:00.000-05:00

O Holy Night

2007-12-10T09:42:00.000-05:00

It is that time of year again.

Time to gather with friends and family at local concerts, with local talent, and remember why you serve wine at the after party.

Ron Paul Blimp!

2007-12-07T13:37:00.000-05:00

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Can't wait to see this thing flying over VA!

Romney gets real.

2007-12-06T14:06:00.000-05:00

Amen.

AT&T formerly Cingular formerly Suncom formerly a happy Davie

2007-12-06T09:08:00.000-05:00

I have been through 3 cell phone carriers, and each "upgrade" has done one thing.

Cost me.

It all started with Suncom.

For $30 a month I could call as much as I wanted. I.loved.it. I rarely left the area and even when I did the roaming minutes were more than enough.

Enter Cingular.

Cingular brought with it Rollover and a price jump to $89.00 for enough minutes to cover what I had been using. Most months I was banking time, but it was worth it since I got a new phone and second line for 10 bucks.

Enter AT$T.

By this time my cell phone usage was way down, so to save some money I opted for a 450 minute plan back down to $40.00. I had 2000 Rollover minutes from Cingular and figured it would be enough.

You know what? Rollover minutes expire! Would have been a good idea to keep track of that little detail.

About 2 months ago I noticed a paperless option for billing. Being the progressive young man that I am, I checked it.

I discovered something about myself; If I don't see it, it doesn't exist.

In the mail yesterday was this notice of cancellation from AT$T and the amount was almost $300.00! Apparently the "paperless" bill made it to the spam folder on my computer and I forgot to pay Octobers bill.

Octobers bill was $130 and Novembers was $160!

I called them right away and waited on hold for 5 minutes. I asked where I stood this billing cycle and I was already over 250 minutes. And by the way, since I was calling the 800 number, it was on the rise. The end of the current billing cycle is the 12th - so I was screwed.

I can hardly wait to see the final bill.

I just wanted to cry.

Faced with the prospect of people trying to reach me for my freelance business and not being able to actually talk to them, I switched to Sprint. It is now critical that I make as much extra money as I can because with home schooling, this God forsaken "war on terror" and its impact on energy prices, 20% inflation, slowing economy, weakening dollar, our budget is beyond tight.

Enter Sprint PCS.

The plan I chose included 500 outbound and unlimited inbound and unlimited calls to home for $65 with a 2 year contract. I also got the Samsung SPH-m620 UpStage phone for "free" and a $50.00 rebate.

Granted this is all my fault as I should have paid more attention to my usage. The problem is I never had to before, and the thought never entered my mind.

Stop the world, I want to get off.

Hackers Suck

2007-12-03T16:02:00.000-05:00

My FTP server at the office was under attack this weekend. It took some hit's, got a black eye, but in the end I think I won the day.

I am sure it was a script kiddie attack, because they left so many tracks I would have to have been blind to not notice. If I had been compromised by a "real" attack I would never know it. Well, I would figure it out eventually, since I pay fairly close attention to my servers acting up.

Not to mention they "speak" to me.

They are kind of like my little digital children, and I just know when they are sick. Some of these servers have been under my care for 10 years. The fact that they still run is a testament to my ability to keep them from harm. They run Microsoft software for heaven sake, which makes it even more amazing.

The FTP server break in was my fault. I let some security slide to make things easier on our clients. I made the mistake of giving write permissions for files and directories. They were able to confuse Explorer and launched from there. Part of the attack was to use remote access to call out and give them direct connectivity to the box.

Once into my network they went to work on my firewall and stupidly killed it locking them out until I re-booted it. I replaced the firmware this morning and all is well.

I watched as they tried to get back in this afternoon and banned their IP. all is well for now as I have changed the permissions on my directories.

I will have to be extra careful for the next week. It is a game for these idiots and one I don't have the time to be playing.

Legumes should be left in the ground

2007-11-30T09:37:00.000-05:00

I live in peanut country.

They have many other names like goober pea, monkey nut, groundnut, and earthnut.

I call them "eat me and have the worst night sleep of your life."

I have been acutely aware that goobers and I have not been getting along lately, but confirmed last night the monkey nut wants to kill me. I remember suffering from sleep apnea last night. It has not been a problem for a while, but last night was a bad night. My wife screaming at the top of her lungs at 2 AM didn't help matters either.

It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while my sweetie will start screaming in her sleep. There is nothing worse than waking up that way. A close second is when our kids stand at the side of the bed and stare us to consciousness. We have since told them to knock on the door, as waking up to a ghostly shape in front of you is really mean even if you think you are being polite.

Last nights scream didn't even sound like my wife, it was very high and very shrill and thankfully very short. There are some nights that I have to wake her up out of her dream but last night she woke herself up after one yelp. I asked her what happened, but she had no clue. Perhaps she has a form of nighttime tourettes.

The bigger issue for me was once I was awake it felt as if my throat was closing in on itself. When this happens to me it makes it increasingly difficult to breath. For the next few hours I would fall asleep and wake up. I wasn't gasping for air, but I could tell my oxygen level was not good.

Needless to say I woke up this morning with a headache and feeling like I had been hit by a truck. It dawned on me that I had eaten a fair share of earthnuts the night before and suddenly remembered "hey you are allergic to legumes"!?

I can hardly wait for the bowel cramping.

I figure my wife's screaming last night was God's way of waking me up before I suffocated in my own histamines.

No more groundnut for this boy.

A divine confrontation

2007-11-27T16:05:00.000-05:00

Alcoholics like me.

Homosexuals like me as well, but I will tackle that in another post.

I have a knack for attracting people that have been affected by alcohol. They are either actively drinking, recovered, are married to someone that has, or on the road to or from. Every one of my neighbors are alcoholics. There is actually a bar across the street from my house. This bar is in the garage of my neighbor.

How weird is that.

Most of my coworkers are alcoholics. I have witnessed much in my 10 years here. The big gifts at the Christmas party have always been booze. Crown Royal is apparently a really thoughtful way of saying "Happy Birthday Jesus".

So it comes as no shock to me that my guitar player on my worship team at church is an alcoholic. Much to the chagrin of my friends, his behavior is neither threatening or obnoxious to me. It is familiar and vulnerable, and my heart simply breaks for the condition he is in.

No one wants to become an alcoholic.

It took me years to get to the point where I could believe that and I believe it with all that is in me. Alcoholism is a disease and I would never harass a cancer victim for having a bad day. Alcoholics usually offend people when they are hurting, so it makes it difficult to be objective when they are spewing their insecurity and hurt. It takes a great deal of discipline not to react emotionally, but when it all lines up and the alcoholic has been heard real change can happen.

People make the mistake thinking that by telling the alcoholic all about their sins, that will somehow snap them out of their slow suicide. As if their killing themselves is a result of their life being one great big party. No one needs to tell the drinker or drug addict their failings, it is usually all they can see. The only way to help the alcoholic is to love them where they are at, not enable them in their negative behavior, and live your own life. If they choose to be nasty, we get to choose to leave. If they are hurtful and angry, we walk away and talk to them when they are sober.

One of the last places on earth that this type of acceptance happens in the church.

My guitar player has arrived hung over 2 Sundays and this last week he reacted and caused a minor disruption. It was not a huge problem, but the confrontation from the platform directed to the sound team was not transparent. Thankfully my friend admitted he was wrong, has remained teachable, and is the only requirement to be used by God.

I have a meeting with him tonight to talk about his drinking. I am actually looking forward to it. I am full of faith that he will be able to see my desire is for him to get better. He is hurting, and it hurts me to know that his only hope is in the bottle. My God is bigger than his problem.

My God is a God who saves.

Turkey - the other dumb meat.

2007-11-26T09:50:00.000-05:00

These things just beg to be eaten. Anything that ugly, that stupid, and with that much tasty meat can only have been designed for one purpose.

Digestion.

It looks like the head on these hideous creatures has already been partially chewed just to bring home the point.

They are so completely divorced from intelligence, eating them actually sets up lethargy in the carnivore. A few grams of tryptothane can render most males helpless after dinner. Imagine the effect this chemical must have on the bird. No wonder turkeys walk around mouths gaping open.

I have noticed that females seem immune to tryptothane. Dishes get done, food put away, pie served, and kids herded outside all by the end of the first quarter of the Detroit game. It is amazing, and further study is in order.

Tis the season for turkey. Time to get all sugared up and wait in line to buy stuff I don't really need, but at that price suddenly find one. Time to shake of restraint and gear up for parties and hot cocoa and dipped salty stuff. Time to bring out the fat clothes and pack on a few pounds just in case global warming is all wrong and we have 9 months of winter.

After all there are only 29 more shopping days left until Christmas. So much turkey - so little time.

Meet my new best friend Midrin

2007-11-21T15:25:00.000-05:00

Actually, it is my wife's Midrin, but she likes to share. She has suffered with migraines for a long time, and these little beauties don't work for her. To my benefit, they work for me! They work so well in fact, I think I could become addicted to the way I feel when taking them. They have this ability to just slow me down, as well as take my migraine pain away. They also have this wonderful side effect (purpose) of helping my muscles relax. I am such a tightly wound dude, that any amount of relief in that regard is a good thing. I am seriously considering ways to increase my migraines because Midrin is my kind of girl.

The art of letting go

2007-11-16T11:23:00.000-05:00

Surrender is not an option.

To surrender is to admit defeat, and I will be damned if I will ever admit defeat. That was my position on just about everything until last Saturday.

Stubborn? Me? I never really thought I was, but I could certainly always see stubborn from here. I looked at my position on things a little less black and white, it was simply survival. I have always had to fight so it was perfectly natural to hang on to what I believe come hell or high water. When faced with the mandate of self denial in a broken home, hanging on to you is all you got.

So it should come as no surprise that my personality is a mix of easy going forcefulness. I think they call it passive aggressive. I am passive about most things but look out if you touch on something I am passionate about. If thinking about murder is a as bad as doing it, I have been homicidal. Cut me off in traffic and my natural reaction is to follow you home and bury my fist in your head.

I wish I was being dramatic about that.

Thankfully I have always snapped myself out of that kind of thinking but rage is a feeling most of my siblings know all too well. Apparently it is a family trait.

At the heart of rage lies a wounded insecure child lashing out. I am certain this is not a clinical diagnosis of rage. I arrive at this because I learned to rage as a child. It usually manifested itself during times of helplessness, or being "wronged" or being afraid. Take a step past the inflicted child and rage is all about control. There is no time more vulnerable than childhood, so if I have control issues, I learned how to cope then.

Last Saturday a series of events lined up in my life. There was nothing dramatic about these events. I didn't have the desire to run my neighbors over or anything like that, but the realization crept into my mind that I was trying to control a situation I had no control over. Before Al-anon I would have happily locked horns with the problem and try and wrestle it down no matter how impossible the chance of success might be. They call that insanity.

It may have been the lack of sleep the night before, the comfort of the bed cradling me, the chill of the air against my face in contrast to the warmth of the covers, but whatever lined up during my Saturday nap was divine.

I saw what appeared to be a book case full of tall thin flat diamonds stacked on end. They were similar is shape to diamond Christmas cookies, but much thinner, narrower and made of a light alloy or plastic. I remember audibly saying to God, "I give you control" and these tiles, or chips, or whatever started pouring out of their container. The cascade began at the top as a few tiles in the center simply fell over off of their tip. There were no shelves, they were all perfectly balanced one on top and next, and as they poured out they made a sound like dumping Lego's on hardwood.

The funny thing is I wasn't asleep. I was very much awake and aware of everything around me. For a moment the vision became more real and once the event was over I was left lying there as before.

As I thought about this later, I don't ever recall actually giving my life over to God. I thought I had. I have certainly attempted to. But it wasn't until this moment that I actually felt like something changed in me.

This week has been a continuation of the same theme, although much less dramatic. It is interesting to me how one can know what to do, practice it for a time, forget what works, only to remember it again. For all my complexity and deep understanding of things of God, I still act like a sheep.

Thank God I still have a Shepard.

Feel like it is your right to homeschool?

2007-11-14T21:35:00.000-05:00

What other candidate thinks like you?

Procrastination 101

2007-11-14T15:21:00.001-05:00

I love blogging.

For the simple fact that doing it provides me with an exceptional excuse to avoid what I should be doing.

And for that I will forever be a fan of Blogger and Wordpress. Those two little words that didn't even exist a few years ago, have become my Xanax and Valium. I love thee, both of thee.

Note to self: Use "thee" more often. It makes you sound educated and haughty all at the same time and impresses thee. Impresses thee greatly.

It is no secret to those who have shared time with me that I am adept at talking. In fact, I can talk real good. Goodly talk I can. Chatting with me is like a deep cool never ending spring of verbal goodness satisfying thee on a hot summers day. I like to hear myself talk, an important character default for those aspiring to be like thee.

Come to think of it, saying "thee" is just this side of schizophrenic.

Where was I? Oh yes, procrastination. "A powerful action where the act of doing it can sometimes cause you to exert more effort than the actual deed." That is the Davie definition. That was a freebie. Now THAT is an interesting word. Just look at it; "freebie" it makes me smile just saying it.

You see, if I can spend time on this blog all those nasty little things called work will simply be unable to be accomplished. I know this isn't earth shattering - give me a break I am wasting time.

Hey, is it actually possible to shatter the earth? I don't think that thought has ever crossed my mind as a real possibility, like "look out - don't hit the ground too hard - you might break it!" Of all the things that could happen to the planet, I can honestly say exploding into a pile of broken glass is nowhere on my radar. Did people actually think the earth was made of glass? Where did that phrase come from? A marble salesman most likely.

Now that is the job for me. "Marble salesman". I got your cat eyes, your pureies, oh yea, and your shooters and look at this; steelies! I could do it. I could sell marbles. It is easy to get people to buy stuff in the asylum. For one thing, they ain't going anywhere and everyone knows that marbles are THE thing this year for Christmas.

Well.... my diet Dr. Pepper is almost gone and my creativity should really be used on stuff that will help pay my mortgage. I just found out that our health care costs are going up - Yea! I love learning to trust God with my finances by making sure there is no possible may I am the one who can provide.

Did I say love? What I really meant to say was it is time to start something else to stop thinking about that.

Ron Paul Spanks Ben Bernanke

2007-11-09T14:57:00.000-05:00

It is here - the dollar is crashing. Hold on to your wallets people, any savings you have are about to be plundered.

Noah Update

2007-11-02T19:15:00.000-04:00

Read and watch WVEC story here

Worth looking at - unless you would rather stay asleep.

2007-11-02T15:27:00.000-04:00

I am not sure where I stand with all of this, but watching it I had to ask the question; why so much security, and who are these people?

Watch the full movie here. "ENDGAME - Blueprint for Global Enslavement"

Ron Paul on The Tonight Show

2007-11-01T16:00:00.000-04:00

Pro Life? - You are Pro Ron Paul

2007-10-31T08:16:00.000-04:00

Ron Paul For Life

National Right to Life Convention

Could it be that simple?

2007-10-30T11:51:00.000-04:00

In a never ending goal to completely confuse myself about all things cultural, I grabbed a book in the library about religion. I only read the preface, so I can't recall the author, but I agreed with everything she had to say.

I figured if I could agree with the preface, why ruin it by diving into the 600 pages of her actual writing.

I know, but hey at least I am starting to read.

Anyway, as near as I can tell her motivation for the book was to save the world from eminent destruction. Did I mention I read the last 2 pages as well? Well I did. Her premise is that 1000 - 200 BC was a time when religion changed from actually killing stuff for God to figuratively killing ourselves for God. It may not be that simple, but that is what I think she was telling us, and like I said before, why would I ruin it for myself.

Even if she arrives at another conclusion, my conclusion is based on the fact that I agree with it and it lines up with my theology and world view.

One of the things she stated was that people used to get their state of nirvana, religious shivers, transcendental state of being because of the group conscience. Essentially, the effect of being around other like minded skulls of mush makes our mush resonate and not feel so stinking alone and vulnerable. Therefore, my quorum of like minded individuals that think the moon is god, would from time to time work ourselves up into a frenzy and kill your like minded group that think the sun is god. In fact, the act of killing you for our moon god actually makes us feel even better about our collective. Stupid sun people.

Apparently all that changed (mostly) during said time of enlightenment. I could actually research this, but I am having too much fun making my own sense of 6 pages of forward and 2 pages of conclusion. See how dangerous reading can be.

The deal is, I agree that most major religions feel that the way to God is self sacrifice. Jesus exemplified this and was the primary reason He came. "The Way" is simply to love God and love your neighbor the same way you love yourself. The authors assertion is that unless we get back to that thinking (she mentioned nothing about Jesus mind you, at least what I read) we will all revert back to killing each other to appease our blood lust for our particular resonate self identity thingy. A good example of this is sports. A better example is the war on terror.

But I digress.

The thing that really jumped out at me was the concept of God back then and the concept of God today. If you were to ask Buddha or the monotheistic Jews or a Hindu IF there is a God, the answer would be you are asking the wrong question. The question would never be if, but what are you doing to please him.

That is incredibly profound.

It got me thinking about Jesus Christ and the fact that He wasn't on the earth trying to convince people to believe in a God. He came to show God's people the true nature of a God they already had familiarity with. Everyone in the Jewish religion believed there was a God during the time of Christ. Jesus claiming He was God sort of threw them for a loop. Not to be outdone, they killed him. Take that God! I am sure there were exceptions outside of Judaism, but the question of "if" would have not been the first thing on the minds of most people. Other religions still believed in polytheism and even the Romans had a concept of God and left the matter to the Jews. Heck even pagans worshiped a form of God. It may have been a chicken, but it was a chicken with power!

You know what? The post modern world has no such fundamental grounding. In fact, I dare say that conventional wisdom is that there is no God.

We have gone from believing the sun was god and trying to please god by killing his creation, to self awareness and enlightenment, to self sacrifice and service, and now somehow we find ourselves all the way back to atheism. What is worse is that we are right back at "group nirvana" where the highest form of religion is conformity and association with other skulls of mush.

I personally think this new religion is government, but that is for another post.

For me, it makes sense why it is so difficult to get people to change their lives for the sake of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They simply don't believe there is a God! How can they ever believe in His Son? It is like asking me to have a relationship with a dead friend. He may have been "real" but if I can't make the physical connection how much of a relationship can I really have? If we ask people to make a spiritual connection to Jesus while ignoring the fact they may have no concept of the spiritual attributes of God, how successful can they be?

Its like a cell phone with no service.

There is so much more to this, but I wanted to get it down somewhere before it was sucked away.

Speaking of cell phones, is it just me or have you noticed that everyone seems to have those things permanently stuck to them?

I wonder when we will start the Sprint and AT&T holy war?

Go Ron Paul!!

2007-10-26T14:23:00.000-04:00

The last line of this interview about our empire says it all.

The cost of defending our way of life

2007-10-26T09:11:00.000-04:00

From the National Priorities Project Website:

Proposed Total Federal Outlays, FY2008

The following pie chart illustrates proposed total federal spending for fiscal year 2008. Fiscal year 2008 runs from October 1, 2007 to September 30, 2008.

The 'national defense' portion of the budget includes money for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. However, if the wars continue at current pace of spending, it is likely that more money would be needed making the share of military spending slightly higher.

The discretionary budget refers to the part of the federal budget proposed by the President, and debated and decided by Congress each year. This part of the budget constitutes more than one-third of total federal spending. The remainder of the federal budget is called 'mandatory spending.' Fiscal year 2008 will run from October 1, 2007 to September 30, 2008.

Note that this chart includes the war-related spending requested by the administration as supplemental to the regular budget proposal.

[End National Priorities Project]

What could be looming in 2008 that would need that kind of National Defense spending?

Thanks to the State Department, get ready for record costs at the pump. At least we don't have to worry about heating our homes..... oh wait, winter is just around the corner.

New York Times October 26th
"Mr. Romney’s statement came as Democrats warned against military action (in Iran) but also skirmished among themselves, particularly over Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s vote last month calling on the administration to declare Iran’s 125,000-member Revolutionary Guard Corps a foreign terrorist organization."

Guess what - we are going to war with Iran, and Hillary is on board. It is American policy to play with the dollar backed by the threat of war.

The reason we are doing this has nothing to do with nuclear power, it is because Iran is selling oil without the dollar. Without oil backing the dollar, no one wants it. Japan just started buying their oil with yen. Do you think this is a coincidence? Iraq had the same deal going, and see where that landed them.

Just remember come January when gas is $4.00 per gallon and your heating bill is $300.00 per month how we ended up here. Fear not however, we will terrorize the world to buy up our debt with the threat of killing them.

One thing I am certain, our way of life is worth killing for.

An explanation

2007-10-25T09:42:00.000-04:00

For my regular readers, or reader as it may be. :)

You may have noticed that every so often Davie gets all, you know "in his head" on a post or two.

I feel an explanation is in order.

I am a very complicated dude. For one, I am predominantly "right brained". Basically, I think like a girl. I look like a man, but I sing like a girl, look at the world like a girl, have emotions like a girl, and generally obsess and worry like a girl.

I know - I am 6 foot 2, 250 pounds, built like a middle linebacker in the NFL and think the sky is pretty. I play all sports well, can rebuild cars and put up walls, need to shave twice a day, good looking, coordinated and athletic, and feel bad if I kill a bug.

If that wasn't enough, I am a First Tenor. An actual can hit a high C full voice and live up there tenor. I sang alto in Jr. High and for fun I would sing soprano. Even to this day I tend to sing songs much too high for a guy that looks like me. I think it is funny now but I used to hate it.

And just to make all that more interesting, I am highly prophetic when it comes to spiritual things. I used to be able to hear people think. I am not making it up - it was awful. In High School I had few real friends, and would scare the hell out of any girl I dated because I was so intense. This behavior and insight meant my fist girlfriend was my wife.

To top it all off I had some traumatic events in my childhood that I am working through. Some of them I have come to terms with like the alcoholism in our family, others like physical abuse and emotional pain I am still trying to uncover.

So from time to time all this emotional stuff lines up and you will read some very different posts about church stuff and other things. These are mostly just me letting off steam about the condition of the world and the Church as I see it. I don't know why I feel the way I do about that stuff, it is just something God has added to the mix of me. There is a rich history of prophetic people being a touch crazy. The bottom line is prophetic people have this deep urge to express to people what we feel, and getting the message out can be a bit overwhelming for everyone.

So I blog.

And talk with my friends who get tired of hearing about what needs to change until I am proven wrong or things change. The frustrating thing is that some of the changes can be 2-3 years down the road. Thankfully, once I get it off my chest I am not like the spoiled 6 year old that wants ice cream in Wal-Mart. I am quick to point out the signs along the way however, which is just about as annoying.

No one likes a know-it-all but sometimes I just know. Sorry - deal with it.

So that is a little insight into Davie, and why the title of my blog is what it is. I am on a journey and most days it is a wonderful unexpected winding road. I may have rest stops along the way, a side road or two and even some back tracking, but life is so much better living it in the skin you are in.

The way I am made, what choice do I really have? I sing like an angel, I know too much to be normal, I can do too many things to just sit idle, I am too emotional and in touch with my creator not to care, and too stinking tall to just blend in.

What is it about Cats?

2007-10-24T17:10:00.001-04:00

(photo by Alex)

We have 2 cats in our home and from time to time it dawns on me that an animal perfectly suited to survive outside on its own calls my couch home.

Of all the other small critters one could bring in and share a life with, somehow cats have become king of the home. You dog lovers out there - spare me.

Dogs greet each other by sniffing anuses and you carry their crap.

I think it comes down to one thing.

Cat's are cute.

So Many Reasons

2007-10-18T09:12:00.000-04:00

There have been times in my life when a decision was made with little or no evidence to support that it would be sound. The ones that have mattered the most have had equal amounts of pro's and con's and sometimes the con's outweighed the pro's. Sensing a calling, destiny, fate, or God there have been many times I have been required to just launch out into the unknown.

So it comes as welcome relief that the mileposts along the way start to show that you are indeed on the right track.

As I lie in bed this morning listening to the news I was so relieved that the 2 big stories of the day would have absolutely no impact on my children in any way. The staph epidemic and birth control for school kids.

God help us.

Homeschooling has been the absolute best decision we have ever made as a family. We have endured some criticism over it, financial hardships, times of feeling inadequate, but there are so many reasons why it is the right thing to do. The one big argument against has been the concept that they don't get "social time" at home.

Those stories above are the results of social time. Mixing so many bodies into such a confined space for so many hours is unnatural. Placing children together during puberty is bad enough, but requiring them to disrobe, run around together in t-shirts and shorts competing with the opposite sex, and then to get naked and shower together afterwards is wrong on so many levels.

I remember Jr. High School and the gym teacher watching the boys in the shower; literally standing at the entrance starring at us as we washed up after class. I still remember the look on his face. Ick.

No where else have I ever been forced to take a shower with another man. Even at the YMCA there is the option of privacy. Who decided this was normal? If it is so normal to be naked in public why do we put shades on our bathroom windows?

Contraception for 11 year olds - without parental consent - are we out of our minds! This is child abuse, plain and simple. Children are not emotionally prepared for sex at 11 or 12 or even 18. In Maine, your 12 year old could get the pill, keep it in her locker - which is private property and unavailable to you - and you would never know it. What is to stop the sex education teacher from actually teaching the kids how to have sex with their new contraceptives!? I can hear the argument heading to a school board near you:

"Since there is no danger of pregnancy and the act of sex is perfectly natural and safe, let's have Billy and Sarah demonstrate the correct way to be safe for the class. After all, it is perfectly natural to want to have sex at any age and it is their body and their choice."

And since we have given the responsibility of raising our kids to the school - there will be nothing you can do to stop it.

Love your kids - teach them at home.

Cut from the same cloth

2007-10-17T14:19:00.000-04:00

I am a "worship leader".

It seems once that title is bestowed on a person, everything that was and is to come is all about being a "worship leader".

When people ask me what I do I rarely if ever respond that I am a "worship leader". It could be that I just started leading recently and just volunteer. I think if the title actually defined an office in the church I may use it, but I am not sure I should. To be honest, I have always been afraid of the title. One of the first recorded acts of worship was when Abraham took Isaac up to the mountain to worship God. He took Isaac up there with the full knowledge he was going to kill him! Nope, my response to the "do" question is that I work at a print shop and run a small marketing company. If they press me further I can narrow it down to specifics, but my first response is hardly ever telling someone I am a leader, let alone a "worship leader".

I don't think we get to tell people we are leaders. A self imposed title of leader is tyrannical thinking in my book. If I have to tell you I am a leader - I probably ain't one. To tell someone I am a "worship leader" smacks of pride. It is like telling someone I am the best husband in the world without ever letting you interview my wife. I may be the best, but without a bit of proof the title is meaningless.

I have noticed that the "worship leader" title has an uncanny ability to make those called just about unbearable to be around. Almost without fail, the more you hear a "worship leader" telling you about their gift, the more you can count on them doing nothing that lives outside their idea of that gift. For some, it is the ultimate calling and everything in life must lineup to it.

I have known many "worship leaders" in my lifetime, and I can pick them out the minute I meet a new one. If I don't pick it out right away, I will be sure to be told all the ways they are great. I get to hear how long they have been leading, who they know, how God shows up when they, what God did after they, how difficult it is to be, when the next time they get to, how they have this great new, and so on. It is actually quite comical, and I have come to the conclusion that they are all somehow cut from the same cloth.

It is a big velvety flowing swirling melodic cloth with big voices and big hair and affected facial expressions and zeal. It really is an amazing thing to behold, and I too can get caught up in the experience of it all if I am not careful.

See, my fear is that "worship leading" can so easily turn into nothing but entertainment. Worship in the modern church is tied to music, and music is big business outside the church. Everyone that comes into church has a point of reference of what music should look and sound like. Since worship is music, it had better be big, have a good beat, some pretty people on stage and electric guitars and drums. Ask a "worship leader" if they mind having the lights off when they lead, or if they can lead without instruments. Impossible.

I think I am going to stay as far away as I can from the title of "worship leader". As I recall the goal is to be called a servant.

Now that is a title worth striving for.

If you are ordinary - Ron Paul is your guy.

2007-10-16T11:14:00.000-04:00

2000 years of doing it wrong.

2007-10-16T09:37:00.000-04:00

I hesitate to post about this.

The simple reason is that posting about religion is an exercise in futility. Most people that know of what I speak are already turned off to the institution of the church, so this is a case of preaching to the choir.

This is the oldest Gothic church in the US. I took this picture last year while on a sabbatical after the loss of our pregnancy. This church is basically a museum now. In fact I had to go to the gift shop and request they open it.

Let that sink in a bit.

This church witnessed and housed soldiers of the Revolutionary and Civil War. It was actually used as a stable for one of those occupations, a telling condition of the state of a country during war.

Which brings me to my point.

Somewhere along the way we have lost sight of who we are supposed to be as the church. We are the peace makers. The earth groans waiting for us to bring peace to the earth. The earth literally waits in agony for the return of the princes and princesses of peace. I know that sounds spiritual and dramatic, but take look around at the unrest of storms and earthquakes and hurricanes and global warming and war. The earth is in agony and even if you dismiss the spiritual, Al Gore has pointed out that we are responsible for the condition of the planet.

I think he is absolutely correct that we are responsible, but the solution is not in government policy, it is in the church rising up and doing what it right.

The condition of the world is the fault of the sons and daughters of God. God has given us dominion over this place, and we messed it up. We keep messing it up by killing our brothers and sisters. We keep messing it up by separating fathers from sons and mothers from daughters. We have blood on our hands and blood in our gas tanks and blood on our iPhones. We have blood in our wombs and blood on the House and Senate floor and blood in the Oval Office and knee deep in the Supreme Court.

And we sit asleep and lock our churches and fill our marquees with marketing slogans of what God can do as our world spins out of control. We segregate ourselves Sunday morning by doctrine and color and culture and teach our people to rely on the pulpit instead of the Father. We preach about peace and vote for war. We endure the sanctuary and revel in the stadium. We celebrate the institution of our fathers while losing the heart of our sons. We pray for the purity of our own daughters while willingly watching the degradation of another's. We call bondage freedom and restraint stifling as the poor die alone, the orphans sleep unwanted, the oppressed cry out for justice and the widows weep in utter loneliness.

And we sit asleep, acutely aware that as we slumber the authority we once had is being drained away. Drop by drop, year after year, generation after generation. Until all that will be left is the shell of what could have been as the earth groans in agony waiting for the sons and daughters of peace.

Wake-up Sons and Daughter's of God, let's restore the Church, let's start at home.

One of those days

2007-10-15T14:29:00.000-04:00

Not wanting my week to start, I am going to blog a little this afternoon. It seems a good diversion, one I won't regret later, (hopefully) one that won't get me into trouble, (much) and looks good if the boss should walk in. Not that I actually have to look busy. In fact, I could just as easily be doing this from home.

Speaking of home, I had a fantastic lunch this afternoon of lasagna and pumpkin pie. Lasagna is so over the top for lunch, but to chase it down with pie! All I can say is "wow".

I can't say wow about the work portion of my day however. It hasn't even been a bad day, I just don't feel like doing anything today. I am sure part of the problem is I have had 2 restless nights sleep. A tired Davie is a not so upbeat Davie. A tired Davie tends to look at things with a little too much introspection and start thinking in absolutes like "always" and "never". With that in mind, I am just going to give myself a break today and chalk it up as one of those days.

One of the lessons of Al-anon is to take it easy on yourself. I am notoriously so self critical I leave little room for people that hate me to do worse. I guess that is a defense mechanism or something; hit me with your best shot, mine was already harder.

Over my year of recovery I have learned to stop the internal banter of self destruction. At first it was like losing a friend and very difficult to let faults just hang out there for other people to pick up on. A funny thing started to happen however, as I allowed people in my life to care about me, those faults became areas I could work on with them.

Being vulnerable allows us to grow. Having it all "figured out" ahead of time left me unapproachable and haughty. The end result was I never actually had to change anything. As long as I could mask the need to change with the aggressive attitude of already knowing I had to, I could agree with the fault, but never agree on the solution.

The last thing most children of alcoholics want to do is agree with the fault and agree with the solution and for good reason. For some of us, we knew the fault was not us and the solution was for the alcoholic to stop drinking. All too often we became the fault and the solution in the alcoholic home, so the only way to survive the schism of changing the core of who we were as a person, was to self loathe. That way the pain and confusion of a home life in crisis could be focused internally without destroying what was left of a shattered soul.

Unlearning that behavior takes grace and takes time. It takes grace to know that not everything rises to the level of crisis and it takes time to learn how to trust criticism that does not destroy.

It is a painfully slow process to learn that some days are just "those days" and not connected to anything more.

Time to get some work done - wasting time at work is a fault.

Deja Vu

2007-10-10T16:31:00.001-04:00

You know that feeling you get from time to time like you have been here before? Its like the soundtrack of life s l o w s d o w n for just a second revealing that life itself is out of sync?

No?

Me either.

I wish!

It used to happen so much when I was a kid I could actually predict what was next and consciously see myself arriving at the moment when it all synced back up again in third person.

Or would that be 4th person? The real me, the Deja Vu persons meeting the real me, and the observer me aware of all 3.

Heh, can you tell I took NightQuil.

Okay, it is 4:30 in the afternoon - that excuse will not fly.

To be fair, I hardly ever have Deja Vu anymore since I learned the trick to do something so off the wall, like screaming "I love Peter Brady" while flapping like a chicken, that it breaks the magical moment.

I.don't.love.Peter.Brady. Marcia? Perhaps.

Where was I.

Oh yes, this whole Deja Vu thing has started again for me, but this time I am actually repeating history. It started a couple weeks ago when I realized I was doing the same Al-Anon step at the meeting I was chairing with the exact same results at the end of the meeting. I could have recorded the first meeting and played it back and I swear to God it would have been the same. It kind of freaked me out a bit. Either I really like the step, or I have been in a rut for the last 4 months.

This Deja Vu happened again Sunday morning as I was singing at church. Granted, I have sung at church for years, but the feeling of things slowly pulling apart was unmistakable. I could have closed my eyes and walked through the rest of the event and never missed a beat.

So I sit here typing on a new Macintosh in the same old office on a new - old blog. And as I go through my days of routine I can't help but feel I have been here before. Right here - exactly in this moment before.

It is unnerving and I don't like the implications of it.

A: I am out of my mind.
B: I am just a "little off" and less NightQuil is a really good idea.
C: Bingo! - life is just a Merri-Go-Round, you change horses but it is still the same ride.
D: You are stuck my boy.
E: See what happens when you take T.V. away? There is a reason people watch it.
F: You really do love Peter Brady and this... (I can't even go there)
G: You made all this up to amuse yourself as you wait to go home.

I think it is a combination of B C and D. Whatever the truth is, I am ready for the picture to change.

It wasn't all that interesting the first time around.

Are we having fun?

2007-10-05T13:16:00.000-04:00

Last weekend we attended a "Christ Led Family" conference at our church put on by the Maxwell Family. There was so much good stuff, I hardly know where to start. The time we spent learning about this family and their life was short, but the results are going to be tremendous.

It has changed my life.

One of the first things I did when we got home Saturday night was to throw our TV out. We had been thinking about doing that for the last few years, but it was time. The kids actually agreed we should do this, so we are now even further out of the main stream.

We home school, we mill our own bread, we serve at church as a family, we are our kids best friends, we run 2 home based businesses, and we are actually quite happy to sit around and talk to each other. We are so far out of the main stream we are sitting on the banks.

You know what? I like the banks.

The stream can just rush right on by for all I care. I know where it is headed, and I for one want nothing to do with the waterfall at the end of the line.

The main reason we took the TV - or "The Beast" as Steven Maxwell calls it - out of our home is the appetite it feeds. Entertainment is all about fun and fun is directly tied to the amount of money you feed it. Fun is an ever changing idea, and seems to never come free.

You pay for fun, sometimes you pay dearly.

I am after joy. Joy is something that you can't buy, comes for free, and sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Fun is gone the minute it is over but joy lives on forever. You can't recall fun without experiencing it again, but joy can be recalled any place any time.

I was telling my son about this concept in relation to roller coaster rides. I asked him if he remembered the feeling he had riding the ride? He can't. He can remember how it made him feel, but he can't recall the actual feeling.

Joy, on the other hand is very real whenever you recall it. Without much effort, I can recall the feeling of seeing my son and daughter for the first time. Not only can I experience the same feeling, I can actually add to it when I see how much they have grown. I can still remember every detail of the moment I knew I had met my wife and now when I look over our life together that first moment, that promise of all to come, is just that much sweeter.

Even though some of these events are years old the joy is still there just waiting to be rekindled. Joy is like a smoldering ember waiting for a bit of memory to fire up the blessing all over again.

T.V. was fun but I don't have time for fun. There is a lifetime of joy to experience and I want it all.

Davidic Design

2007-10-02T14:59:00.000-04:00

I have a small marketing business that I am trying to get off the ground. I never wanted to run my own business growing up. I think part of that stems from first hand experience of working in a family owned small business. The other part is that separating work from home has always been difficult for me. So it comes as a bit of a shock that I am actually growing a business, primarily out of my home. I am not sure how far it will go, but I am having fun marketing myself.

Time to go kill the marketing giant.

Driving

2007-09-24T16:00:00.000-04:00

My son took his drivers permit test again today, and he failed it on the last question. Poor guy. He failed it on the first question last time, so at least he is making progress. I am confident that in 15 days he will pass it.

On the way home from the DMV he was understandably upset with himself - the "system" - the question that tripped him up - and the world in general. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that even if he had his permit today, I won't let him drive yet.

I don't think that helped.

Nor did telling him how old I was when I started driving, or that most people drive because they have to not because the want to or that driving is expensive dangerous destructive filled with rage and fear and hate. Nope, none of that helped him at all.

And before long, I was resenting driving! I subject myself to it every day of the year. I can't even get to the store without driving. There is literally no way to walk or ride bike safely to a store where I live. Even if I wanted to ride my bike to work, there are no bike paths for me. I might be able to ride along the train tracks, but they cross the InterCostal Waterway and that bridge is always up.

Drag around and click the placemarks on the map below and you can see my neighborhood. The line goes from my house to work, and crosses right over the waterway. The train tracks are actually a great option - if I want to swim.

View Larger Map

As you can see, I am effectively cut-off from everything because of the automobile. That is the price you pay for living in a safe neighborhood near a major city. Nope - like it or not - I am forced to drive.

Civilization sure knows how to take the fun out of stuff.

Detox - or, Squirrels in my BOWELS

2007-09-20T09:28:00.000-04:00

My sister is going through a detox and I guess we must be on the same schedule. This is my second "plumbing" detox, and this time around I opted for the $7.00 version from Target.

The first one I used was a product from Dr. Schulze's for $60.00 plus $9.00 shipping. I have never crapped so expensively before. The amazing thing is, my crap smelled like 70 dollar crap, and of course it didn't stink.

I am on day 4 of the 7 day roto rooter routine and I must say I feel great. To be fair, you can do a detox all on your own and pay nothing, but I like putting strange things down my pie hole. I have willingly pounded down high fructose corn syrup, MSG, partially and fully hydrogenated oils, refined flour, refined sugar, copious amounts of animal flesh, untold numbers of foods fried in God only knows what, nitrogens, sulfides, chlorine, bromine, phenylalanine, and the list goes on. So downing a glass of green stuff in the morning that tastes a little like orange juice and feels a lot like watered down cream of wheat for 7 days is the least I can do. The pills in the afternoon and evening are a piece of cake, well actually they are a piece of yak hair or something, but easy to deal with.

This system, unlike the $70.00 version, has an interesting side effect on me. I can actually feel my BOWELS churning. Incidentally, you must always raise your voice when saying BOWELS, it is a word that is best said really loud. Man, what a sweet word picture, "churning bowels". Anyway, it is a strange sensation, not uncomfortable, but a little annoying. It feels like squirrels are chasing each other up my ascending colon, running across my transverse colon and making the loop back down the descending, and back up. They do this for a few minutes, settle down, and go at it again.

This churning happens for a little while before the big "pay off" if you know what I mean.

Poop, if you don't.

After the business is over, all is quiet on the BOWEL front until the next round of powder and pills.

Pooping is one of those "questions" I have for God. I guess from an efficiency standpoint the whole eating stuff, breaking it down into essential elements and elimination is brilliant, but I have a problem with the mechanics of it, specifically the event of elimination. It just seems so, I duno, vulnerable.

Perhaps that is the plan. Take any person you hold in high regard, place them on a toilet making stinky, and all things are suddenly equal.

At the end of the day we all look the same from the perspective of the toilet.

Sugar - the socially acceptable crack

2007-09-17T09:22:00.000-04:00

Hi, my name is David and I am a sugar addict.

I have made great strides in the last months changing my diet, but Sunday's remain the "free day" to eat whatever I want. Yesterday that included 12 oz. of deliciously sweet 7-11 cappuccino, and a creme cheese donut.

We have made a habit of leaving the church after we play for the morning intersession time. I usually get a cup of coffee with some Splenda and creme, but I opted for the sweet stuff instead. My trip last Sunday and Monday to Chi-town threw me off my routine and all week I had been flirting with sugar. I gave little thought to how the donut would make me feel, and besides it was a stressful week and I needed it.

By the time we made it back to the church for the morning service I was feeling pretty good.

Once we arrived back home, I noticed that my wife had not touched her chocolate frosted glazed "pull apart" sugar donut. I volunteered to eat it, and I pulled each little sticky frosted dough ball apart in front of my daughter. I offered her a piece, but she said the smell of the sugar made her sick. I ate the whole thing, every last bit. It actually started making me sick half way through, but I finnished it to the horror of my 13 year old.

I am not proud of that moment. The only good that can be said is that my daughter does not eat like me.

Feeling the full effects of the sugar again, I sat and watched some late morning television until noon.

I wasn't hungry when my wife asked what we should do for lunch, but I had the presence of mind to suggest subs at Harris Teeter. Our other option was fast food, so considering that, it was a good choice. We picked up the subs and grabbed 2 bags of potato chips. So much for that.

By the time we finished our carb rich lunch at home, I was ready for a nap. I tried to fall asleep, I was tired, but I couldn't turn my mind off.

I decided to put the screens back on the house since the weather had turned cool enough to open the windows during the day. A trip to Home Depot was in order to check into some weather stripping, so the boy and I made a trip. Of course I couldn't leave without grabbing a bag of peanut M&M's. Thankfully, the drink we purchased was water.

It seems so ridiculous as I write all this down, what was wrong with me!

The rest of the day was not much better with stir fry and rice for dinner and ice cream for dessert. At least I didn't follow up with the remainder of the potato chips.

Needless to day I woke up this morning feeling like dog squeeze.

Thankfully, we got our grain mill back from the factory Friday. Thankfully, I talked about this "sugar issue" with my wife last night on the Way to Target to get a new bread maker.

So far this morning, I have been doing great! A slice of homemade whole wheat bread, a glass of detox powder, and 30 oz of water.

And a pounding headache.

Planes Trains and the UN

2007-09-12T09:14:00.000-04:00

I love flying.

I used to have dreams as a child that I could jump and just keep floating all the way to the top of the house of my youth. The dreams were so real and vivid, I would have to convince myself that jumping out the second floor window would end in a heap. Nonetheless, the feeling of flight has always captivated me.

The closest I was able to get to reality flying as a kid was my nearly daily ritual of jumping off our garage. I can feel and hear every one of those mini test flights getting in and out of chairs today through the creaking and cracking of my knees. Thankfully, they don't hurt, but they sure sound like they should. I think I crushed my nerves sometime back in the 80's.

6 AM Sunday morning I was once again on an airplane, the socially acceptable way to fly, and despite the fiasco that air travel has become in America, I was giddy as a school...boy.

My trip to Chicago also included ridding a train, which was actually kind of a letdown due to construction. At one point during the ride I am sure I witnessed hobo's jumping off and walking. In fact, without warning we reached the "end of the line" and boarded a double length bus for the remainder of the trip.

The bus ride was much more intense, and watching 60 year old bodies flying down the walkways was both hilarious and terrifying. As if it wasn't enough to make it off the bus, I am certain the bus driver intentionally tried to run the people over that made it.

The day concluded with 2 miles of walking the streets of Chicago to the hotel. A long day at McCormick Place for Graph Expo a $45 steak, a few more miles of walking, and a 38 story restless night sleep.

Do you know that spiders build webs 38 stories up on hotel windows? That's what I thought, but apparently the bugs that fly up that high are really really yummy.

Monday morning greeted me with a walk to the lake, which apparently no one in Chicago wants to actually touch, since it is nearly impossible to physically reach it. This place was neat, and a long way to and from the Hyatt Hotel.

More bus rides, a cab ride with a Muslim driver, another cab ride to the correct place with a freshly awakened African, lunch with a friend, and another cab ride with an Indian determined to never stop back to McCormick. $30 dollars was never spent faster, nor had $30 ever ran as many stop signs, or nearly ran over as many pedestrians. Forget Disney Land - ride Chicago. More walking and chatting with lifelong printer friends at the show and a final bus ride back to the hotel. A quick soda at the hotel bar, a solicitation from a Vietnam Veteran reeking of alcohol asking for money for chemotherapy, and finally a last cab driven by a very large very colorful brother from Chicago.

Incidentally, you can't make a ho' into a church woman. 7 inches is pretty big, it is best to keep on gambling when you win, you can't trust women (even the ones you father) and merge lanes are best used at the very last moment right up to the crash barrels. Apparently I look like a 54 year old, and even though I actually fit in the front seat, still a "big guy". I fear I have made a friend for life. I am just really thankful he didn't eat me.

A little striptease at O'Hare for security, 20 minutes of waiting on the tarmac, and finally another fine trip above the clouds and into the arms of my family.

I love flying, but I love landing even more.

Can prayer do that?

2007-09-05T18:07:00.000-04:00

Monday evening I had to run into work and restart a Citrix server I broke from home. My wife and I took the opportunity to steal away from the kids, and found ourselves alone in my office.

Yes, the thought did run through my mind, and no it didn't happen.

As an aside, I think most men love the idea of anything intimate outside of the bedroom. The fact is we usually think about sex all day at work anyway so it seems a perfect fit to bring the fantasy world into reality. The best part is that it is perfectly "legal" and moral to fantasize about you and your wife role playing at the office. But I digress.

No, this trip was not about being physical at work, it was about being spiritual.

As we were all alone in the office, had to run around the shop and restart ICA terminals, Julie suggested we pray. Honestly, I was still thinking about other things, but the idea stuck so we did.

Walking from department to department we simply prayed for peace and prosperity and for specific people as I told her who worked where. It was nice. It didn't even seem that strange to be praying in the building.

10 minutes later we were done, lights out, doors locked, and on our way home.

I was installing a scanner in our pre-press department today and a strange thing occurred, I started a very deep conversation about God with a former LDS. He actually initiated it by saying that everything was about money - even religion. He shared about his experience as a missionary for his church, and how he hated it. How he was forced to say things he didn't believe in, and how there is no truth.

He is really struggling, and all I could tell him was that he was right. For most people it is about money, but that is a lie. The world tells us our worth is found in our bank accounts, while God tells us our value is as a son and daughter.

I am not sure I made any impact, but it was amazing that we were discussing religion, Mormonism, Catholicism, and Christianity at work.

I wonder how that happened?

Just a suggestion.

2007-08-31T12:54:00.001-04:00

Can we stop threatening Iran and the rest of the world with "preemptive war" until we get our troops back home from the last 2?

I fear we may have more than just political fallout if we continue this type of foreign policy.

Busy Being Me

2007-08-31T10:30:00.000-04:00

I have debated what I should do (if anything) with my blog. I said so much the last time I was out here, that the thought of starting again is a little daunting. My musings made for interesting reading, but at the end of it all I emptied myself so completely online there was nothing left.

Sure there were moments of sheer brilliance, but those were fleeting at best.

However, I do feel a certain obligation to write something of worth considering what I have been through. Without context, it will lose some impact, but who really cares at the end of the day. Most people could care less about the drama in others lives. Sure it is nice to find people that "have it worse" but you can't build on that. I think most people would rather be inspired than mortified.

At the end of the day life is much more interesting if you chose to live it. It may kick you in the gut from time to time, but even that has a certain wonder to it.

Here again?

2007-07-30T15:41:00.000-04:00

Life is weird.

Not the kind of weird you say because you have basically given up trying to figure it out weird.

Weird as in full of wonder weird.

Like the fact that I am blogging again.

Or that I am actually quite happy to live in my skin.

Weird like how I have been walking almost every morning for weeks, and even running on occasion.

Or how I am reading my Bible to read it, not because I have to, but because I like how it makes me feel.

Weird like that.

Wonderfully, normal.

So this is how it feels.