Where the road leads next

I have determined that 2007 was an upside down year.

I had no idea our stop in Wisconsin October of 2006 on the way to visit relatives was a premonition for the year to come, but there can be no doubt that 2007 for me was the beginning of undoing.

Time has a funny way of pilling up changes to the point where you must deal with them. I am sure there is a divine directive in this but since measuring God is nearly impossible, time will have to do.

Time was pilling it on in 2007.

I don't even remember 2007 being all that spectacular. It was filled with the usual doldrum of work that will horrifically be 10 years in January. It is almost inconceivable that I have spent 10 years of my life in the same office. 10 years driving to the same location. Apparently I needed that much time to get whatever I was supposed to get out of that job. I am all but certain I will not be there much past 2008. I still have no idea what is next, but I can feel that change is on the horizon.

Change has taken on a new meaning for me in 2007. The year proved that even though times get tough, economies turn for the worse, wars linger, and dreams die, change is just around the corner. Walk the path of patience long enough and a fork will be found, or better said the fork will find you. Hold onto indecision long enough and it will turn into a decision. Learning to trust that waiting can be the best action is a lesson garnered only by experience.

Trust can only be experienced by finding yourself in a place where you must. I still don't like it, but what I think is becoming less important to what I know. I know better in 2007.

The best thing learned this last year was that "I don't know" is an answer. It is as complete an answer as "I do know" and always preferable to "I think I know". "I don't know" was the start of so many wonderful things like "I don't want" and the second best thing I learned, "no". "No" and I have become best friends, much to the chagrin of those that never heard it uttered by me. "Yes" has been added lately, but it is always slung and counterbalanced with no. No can be cut loose at any time and always trumps yes. Yes is just the trail blazer for no.

There can be no doubt to those who have watched me this year that 2007 was a banner year for me marked by the simple fact that nothing spectacular happened. There was no crisis. There was no "have to". The most noteworthy thing was that there was no noteworthy thing. Even blogging took on a different flavor as concern for real change trumped the internal drive for change simply for the sake of change.

Mind you, this year has not been without its drama. In fact, more had transpired this year in the way of real crisis than I can remember in long time. The difference is that this time around there is simply nothing I can do about it. It is all external, and as such, is completely out of my control. Sure I still worry about it, but I find myself able to (for the most part) put things into perspective and realize that if things are to change, God is the one who has to do it. It is all on Him, so either way it will turn out good.

I realized that truth about a month ago and it has made all the difference. I am not 100% there yet, but most days I look with anticipation to what may come. Dread has been replaced with hope and even though I have a vivid imagination about all that could be, I choose to dwell on what is.

2007 was an upside down year. 2008 will be all right.

I was looking through my photo library today and found these 2 pictures my son took.

It got me thinking about pictures, how powerful they are, and why I seem to forget that I love photography.

There really is no good excuse why I haven't taken more pictures. I have a decent digital SLR, a great Macintosh computer, I am an expert in PhotoShop, and have all the time I need to play. The only thing I can point to is that I have simply lost interest in a subject.

My son loves his cats so when he gets in the mood to click the cats are his muse.

I got no muse.

My New Year's resolution is to make time for pictures.

My New Year's resolution is to find my muse.

In a never ending goal to completely confuse myself about all things cultural, I grabbed a book in the library about religion. I only read the preface, so I can't recall the author, but I agreed with everything she had to say.

I figured if I could agree with the preface, why ruin it by diving into the 600 pages of her actual writing.

I know, but hey at least I am starting to read.

Anyway, as near as I can tell her motivation for the book was to save the world from eminent destruction. Did I mention I read the last 2 pages as well? Well I did. Her premise is that 1000 - 200 BC was a time when religion changed from actually killing stuff for God to figuratively killing ourselves for God. It may not be that simple, but that is what I think she was telling us, and like I said before, why would I ruin it for myself.

Even if she arrives at another conclusion, my conclusion is based on the fact that I agree with it and it lines up with my theology and world view.

One of the things she stated was that people used to get their state of nirvana, religious shivers, transcendental state of being because of the group conscience. Essentially, the effect of being around other like minded skulls of mush makes our mush resonate and not feel so stinking alone and vulnerable. Therefore, my quorum of like minded individuals that think the moon is god, would from time to time work ourselves up into a frenzy and kill your like minded group that think the sun is god. In fact, the act of killing you for our moon god actually makes us feel even better about our collective. Stupid sun people.

Apparently all that changed (mostly) during said time of enlightenment. I could actually research this, but I am having too much fun making my own sense of 6 pages of forward and 2 pages of conclusion. See how dangerous reading can be.

The deal is, I agree that most major religions feel that the way to God is self sacrifice. Jesus exemplified this and was the primary reason He came. "The Way" is simply to love God and love your neighbor the same way you love yourself. The authors assertion is that unless we get back to that thinking (she mentioned nothing about Jesus mind you, at least what I read) we will all revert back to killing each other to appease our blood lust for our particular resonate self identity thingy. A good example of this is sports. A better example is the war on terror.

But I digress.

The thing that really jumped out at me was the concept of God back then and the concept of God today. If you were to ask Buddha or the monotheistic Jews or a Hindu IF there is a God, the answer would be you are asking the wrong question. The question would never be if, but what are you doing to please him.

That is incredibly profound.

It got me thinking about Jesus Christ and the fact that He wasn't on the earth trying to convince people to believe in a God. He came to show God's people the true nature of a God they already had familiarity with. Everyone in the Jewish religion believed there was a God during the time of Christ. Jesus claiming He was God sort of threw them for a loop. Not to be outdone, they killed him. Take that God! I am sure there were exceptions outside of Judaism, but the question of "if" would have not been the first thing on the minds of most people. Other religions still believed in polytheism and even the Romans had a concept of God and left the matter to the Jews. Heck even pagans worshiped a form of God. It may have been a chicken, but it was a chicken with power!

You know what? The post modern world has no such fundamental grounding. In fact, I dare say that conventional wisdom is that there is no God.

We have gone from believing the sun was god and trying to please god by killing his creation, to self awareness and enlightenment, to self sacrifice and service, and now somehow we find ourselves all the way back to atheism. What is worse is that we are right back at "group nirvana" where the highest form of religion is conformity and association with other skulls of mush.

I personally think this new religion is government, but that is for another post.

For me, it makes sense why it is so difficult to get people to change their lives for the sake of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They simply don't believe there is a God! How can they ever believe in His Son? It is like asking me to have a relationship with a dead friend. He may have been "real" but if I can't make the physical connection how much of a relationship can I really have? If we ask people to make a spiritual connection to Jesus while ignoring the fact they may have no concept of the spiritual attributes of God, how successful can they be?

Its like a cell phone with no service.

There is so much more to this, but I wanted to get it down somewhere before it was sucked away.

Speaking of cell phones, is it just me or have you noticed that everyone seems to have those things permanently stuck to them?

I wonder when we will start the Sprint and AT&T holy war?

For my regular readers, or reader as it may be. :)

You may have noticed that every so often Davie gets all, you know "in his head" on a post or two.

I feel an explanation is in order.

I am a very complicated dude. For one, I am predominantly "right brained". Basically, I think like a girl. I look like a man, but I sing like a girl, look at the world like a girl, have emotions like a girl, and generally obsess and worry like a girl.

I know - I am 6 foot 2, 250 pounds, built like a middle linebacker in the NFL and think the sky is pretty. I play all sports well, can rebuild cars and put up walls, need to shave twice a day, good looking, coordinated and athletic, and feel bad if I kill a bug.

If that wasn't enough, I am a First Tenor. An actual can hit a high C full voice and live up there tenor. I sang alto in Jr. High and for fun I would sing soprano. Even to this day I tend to sing songs much too high for a guy that looks like me. I think it is funny now but I used to hate it.

And just to make all that more interesting, I am highly prophetic when it comes to spiritual things. I used to be able to hear people think. I am not making it up - it was awful. In High School I had few real friends, and would scare the hell out of any girl I dated because I was so intense. This behavior and insight meant my fist girlfriend was my wife.

To top it all off I had some traumatic events in my childhood that I am working through. Some of them I have come to terms with like the alcoholism in our family, others like physical abuse and emotional pain I am still trying to uncover.

So from time to time all this emotional stuff lines up and you will read some very different posts about church stuff and other things. These are mostly just me letting off steam about the condition of the world and the Church as I see it. I don't know why I feel the way I do about that stuff, it is just something God has added to the mix of me. There is a rich history of prophetic people being a touch crazy. The bottom line is prophetic people have this deep urge to express to people what we feel, and getting the message out can be a bit overwhelming for everyone.

So I blog.

And talk with my friends who get tired of hearing about what needs to change until I am proven wrong or things change. The frustrating thing is that some of the changes can be 2-3 years down the road. Thankfully, once I get it off my chest I am not like the spoiled 6 year old that wants ice cream in Wal-Mart. I am quick to point out the signs along the way however, which is just about as annoying.

No one likes a know-it-all but sometimes I just know. Sorry - deal with it.

So that is a little insight into Davie, and why the title of my blog is what it is. I am on a journey and most days it is a wonderful unexpected winding road. I may have rest stops along the way, a side road or two and even some back tracking, but life is so much better living it in the skin you are in.

The way I am made, what choice do I really have? I sing like an angel, I know too much to be normal, I can do too many things to just sit idle, I am too emotional and in touch with my creator not to care, and too stinking tall to just blend in.

I hesitate to post about this.

The simple reason is that posting about religion is an exercise in futility. Most people that know of what I speak are already turned off to the institution of the church, so this is a case of preaching to the choir.

This is the oldest Gothic church in the US. I took this picture last year while on a sabbatical after the loss of our pregnancy. This church is basically a museum now. In fact I had to go to the gift shop and request they open it.

Let that sink in a bit.

This church witnessed and housed soldiers of the Revolutionary and Civil War. It was actually used as a stable for one of those occupations, a telling condition of the state of a country during war.

Which brings me to my point.

Somewhere along the way we have lost sight of who we are supposed to be as the church. We are the peace makers. The earth groans waiting for us to bring peace to the earth. The earth literally waits in agony for the return of the princes and princesses of peace. I know that sounds spiritual and dramatic, but take look around at the unrest of storms and earthquakes and hurricanes and global warming and war. The earth is in agony and even if you dismiss the spiritual, Al Gore has pointed out that we are responsible for the condition of the planet.

I think he is absolutely correct that we are responsible, but the solution is not in government policy, it is in the church rising up and doing what it right.

The condition of the world is the fault of the sons and daughters of God. God has given us dominion over this place, and we messed it up. We keep messing it up by killing our brothers and sisters. We keep messing it up by separating fathers from sons and mothers from daughters. We have blood on our hands and blood in our gas tanks and blood on our iPhones. We have blood in our wombs and blood on the House and Senate floor and blood in the Oval Office and knee deep in the Supreme Court.

And we sit asleep and lock our churches and fill our marquees with marketing slogans of what God can do as our world spins out of control. We segregate ourselves Sunday morning by doctrine and color and culture and teach our people to rely on the pulpit instead of the Father. We preach about peace and vote for war. We endure the sanctuary and revel in the stadium. We celebrate the institution of our fathers while losing the heart of our sons. We pray for the purity of our own daughters while willingly watching the degradation of another's. We call bondage freedom and restraint stifling as the poor die alone, the orphans sleep unwanted, the oppressed cry out for justice and the widows weep in utter loneliness.

And we sit asleep, acutely aware that as we slumber the authority we once had is being drained away. Drop by drop, year after year, generation after generation. Until all that will be left is the shell of what could have been as the earth groans in agony waiting for the sons and daughters of peace.

Wake-up Sons and Daughter's of God, let's restore the Church, let's start at home.

Not wanting my week to start, I am going to blog a little this afternoon. It seems a good diversion, one I won't regret later, (hopefully) one that won't get me into trouble, (much) and looks good if the boss should walk in. Not that I actually have to look busy. In fact, I could just as easily be doing this from home.

Speaking of home, I had a fantastic lunch this afternoon of lasagna and pumpkin pie. Lasagna is so over the top for lunch, but to chase it down with pie! All I can say is "wow".

I can't say wow about the work portion of my day however. It hasn't even been a bad day, I just don't feel like doing anything today. I am sure part of the problem is I have had 2 restless nights sleep. A tired Davie is a not so upbeat Davie. A tired Davie tends to look at things with a little too much introspection and start thinking in absolutes like "always" and "never". With that in mind, I am just going to give myself a break today and chalk it up as one of those days.

One of the lessons of Al-anon is to take it easy on yourself. I am notoriously so self critical I leave little room for people that hate me to do worse. I guess that is a defense mechanism or something; hit me with your best shot, mine was already harder.

Over my year of recovery I have learned to stop the internal banter of self destruction. At first it was like losing a friend and very difficult to let faults just hang out there for other people to pick up on. A funny thing started to happen however, as I allowed people in my life to care about me, those faults became areas I could work on with them.

Being vulnerable allows us to grow. Having it all "figured out" ahead of time left me unapproachable and haughty. The end result was I never actually had to change anything. As long as I could mask the need to change with the aggressive attitude of already knowing I had to, I could agree with the fault, but never agree on the solution.

The last thing most children of alcoholics want to do is agree with the fault and agree with the solution and for good reason. For some of us, we knew the fault was not us and the solution was for the alcoholic to stop drinking. All too often we became the fault and the solution in the alcoholic home, so the only way to survive the schism of changing the core of who we were as a person, was to self loathe. That way the pain and confusion of a home life in crisis could be focused internally without destroying what was left of a shattered soul.

Unlearning that behavior takes grace and takes time. It takes grace to know that not everything rises to the level of crisis and it takes time to learn how to trust criticism that does not destroy.

It is a painfully slow process to learn that some days are just "those days" and not connected to anything more.

Time to get some work done - wasting time at work is a fault.

You know that feeling you get from time to time like you have been here before? Its like the soundtrack of life s l o w s d o w n for just a second revealing that life itself is out of sync?

No?

Me either.

I wish!

It used to happen so much when I was a kid I could actually predict what was next and consciously see myself arriving at the moment when it all synced back up again in third person.

Or would that be 4th person? The real me, the Deja Vu persons meeting the real me, and the observer me aware of all 3.

Heh, can you tell I took NightQuil.

Okay, it is 4:30 in the afternoon - that excuse will not fly.

To be fair, I hardly ever have Deja Vu anymore since I learned the trick to do something so off the wall, like screaming "I love Peter Brady" while flapping like a chicken, that it breaks the magical moment.

I.don't.love.Peter.Brady. Marcia? Perhaps.

Where was I.

Oh yes, this whole Deja Vu thing has started again for me, but this time I am actually repeating history. It started a couple weeks ago when I realized I was doing the same Al-Anon step at the meeting I was chairing with the exact same results at the end of the meeting. I could have recorded the first meeting and played it back and I swear to God it would have been the same. It kind of freaked me out a bit. Either I really like the step, or I have been in a rut for the last 4 months.

This Deja Vu happened again Sunday morning as I was singing at church. Granted, I have sung at church for years, but the feeling of things slowly pulling apart was unmistakable. I could have closed my eyes and walked through the rest of the event and never missed a beat.

So I sit here typing on a new Macintosh in the same old office on a new - old blog. And as I go through my days of routine I can't help but feel I have been here before. Right here - exactly in this moment before.

It is unnerving and I don't like the implications of it.

A: I am out of my mind.
B: I am just a "little off" and less NightQuil is a really good idea.
C: Bingo! - life is just a Merri-Go-Round, you change horses but it is still the same ride.
D: You are stuck my boy.
E: See what happens when you take T.V. away? There is a reason people watch it.
F: You really do love Peter Brady and this... (I can't even go there)
G: You made all this up to amuse yourself as you wait to go home.

I think it is a combination of B C and D. Whatever the truth is, I am ready for the picture to change.

It wasn't all that interesting the first time around.

I have debated what I should do (if anything) with my blog. I said so much the last time I was out here, that the thought of starting again is a little daunting. My musings made for interesting reading, but at the end of it all I emptied myself so completely online there was nothing left.

Sure there were moments of sheer brilliance, but those were fleeting at best.

However, I do feel a certain obligation to write something of worth considering what I have been through. Without context, it will lose some impact, but who really cares at the end of the day. Most people could care less about the drama in others lives. Sure it is nice to find people that "have it worse" but you can't build on that. I think most people would rather be inspired than mortified.

At the end of the day life is much more interesting if you chose to live it. It may kick you in the gut from time to time, but even that has a certain wonder to it.