Where the road leads next

It is time to move over to Wordpress.

http://davielife.wordpress.com/

All my readers - all three of you - update your feed.

We are six weeks pregnant.

This time around, Julie is really feeling it. She told me yesterday that while on the way to church she almost asked me to pull over three times to puke. I was so happy!

I feel bad for her, really I do, but I am so excited that she is this sick! The last pregnancy, two years ago, was not like this. Our little one was on the outside of the uterus, and by six weeks my wife was bleeding internally and in real danger.

That was then.

We are confident that things are where they should be this time around, and I am thinking we are having twins, because she has never felt this bad before. I say we, even though I know my wife is the one who is pregnant, but I have always felt very connected with our kids from the start. I love being a daddy. I love the responsibility of raising children. I love that I am the protector and provider. I absolutely thrive on it.

So when I say we - I really mean it like that. Children are a blessing. Sometimes they enter our lives easy, and sometimes they arrive to challenge us, but they are always a blessing.

I am still not over losing the last one. It honestly almost killed me, and I can't explain that to most men, but most women I have talked with understand it. It was the hope of what was to come that I miss, that is what creeps up and grabs me and sucker punches me out of the blue. Not just the hope of the life that our child was unable to complete, but the hope of that new life in us and our family. It just makes me sad, and I fear I will never be able to accept that there was absolutely nothing I could have done.

So I wasn't sure how I would feel about going down this road again knowing what "might" happen. We were not trying to get pregnant. We had been praying about adoption and wanted confirmation either way by January.

God is cool - eh?

There is no physical reason to think we could not have another successful pregnancy. Doctors gave us the green light, friends have been encouraging us, but it took God to do a work. Knowing a c-section is on the way for my wife, I have never pushed it with her. It is scary as hell to watch your wife get cut open, so part of me was okay with the decision to just wait it out. Now that we are pregnant, it just seems like the right thing, and we have the faith to know it will all work out.

Almost 2 years after losing our third pregnancy we find ourselves passing a painful milestone. The most amazing thing is we find ourselves getting over a bump in the road of life, a detour that ultimately lead to so much healing, a siding that allowed us to catch our breath and recover. We are making plans and thinking about names and wondering what it all means.

There are careers to consider and home schooling and piano lessons and income and moving, and, and it is just all so exciting!

We are blessed, simply blessed.

My Dad sent me this video of a kiteboarder. Take note of the jet in the sky 10 seconds into the video.

Obviously this did not end well for that young man.

Admittedly this is an odd thing to post about, but I was metro sexual long before it was in vogue to be one. I made my own clothing in the eighties for heaven sake, and to this day refuse to wear tennis shoes with anything other than an outfit that looks like I could run in. I never leave home without a belt and matching shoes and always smell good, really good. If all that was not enough to convince you, a secret motivation I have to lose some weight this year is so that I can buy new designer clothes at Ross. I am big enough to kill most men with my bare hands but would rather go shopping for clothes, write poetry, paint, or sing.

God has a sense of humor.

Even though I am built like middle linebacker, I have always struggled with body image. The self loathing comes in waves and I have never been able to fully understand it. I have been told that a poor body image is a normal effect of sexual abuse and can be difficult to pin down. Uncovering that hurt and getting healing from it is on the agenda for 2008.

If my email in-box is any indication, low self esteem is the number one issue for men and the number one issue for women is what men don't have! It is said in those cleverly craft3d m3ssag3s that what women are most concerned with is a phallus large enough to puncture their uterus. 4"- 6" which was adequate since Adam and Eve, has suddenly doubled to 8"- 10" and the message is if you don't measure up a pill will get you there in only 5 weeks!

"90% of women say they are unsatisfied with their partners size."

Really!? All the while I was told the main issues in marriage are money and infidelity. I guess the infidelity part is the women going out for a bigger... oh wait, men cheat 70% compared to women and the reasons women cheat are predominantly emotional. Imagine my shock to find out via email that women secretly want to be RotoRooted.

It all makes sense now.

Please.

I will admit that being bombarded by this stuff does not help my body image. Sure I think I would look better with more, but the truth is the number one way for a guy to add length to his twig is to lose that 2 or 3 inches of fat parka around it! Even though their wives have never complained, I am certain that most guys would agree that more must be better. We are fragile like that. We like to have the biggest fastest hardest longest loudest most expensive anything. It makes us feel secure and in control. The absolute last thing we want to feel insecure about is our boys, and God forbid if it is average!

In any case, wieners are not the point of this post. What is the point is that I can relate to the self loathing and pain overweight women carry as I watched this free episode of "How to look good naked". Carson is a bit flaming for my taste, but looking past that he has a great heart and did more good in 5 days with Layla than most people ever do for anyone else in a lifetime.

Granted, there is more to life than looking and feeling good but I think we overlook the impact that can have on us spiritually. We barely understand the physical side of life, are just getting a handle on the emotional side, and can't even come close to a consensus on the spiritual. We may find out that all three are equally important and God is equally concerned with all three.

I know from experience that if I can't love myself fully I will be hard pressed to fully love God. How can we love the creator if we hate the created? Loving ourselves enough to start taking care of ourselves can propel us to love God who in turn tells us how much He loves us which in turn causes us to love ourselves all the more.

I used to think this was selfishness and the ultimate form of faith was denial of self. Somewhere I picked up the lie that a life of disdain was somehow Godly and honored Him. That is garbage. There is certainly a point where self love, i.e. selfishness is wrong, but the motive for selfishness is a tough one to pin down. Most selfish people I meet are not selfish because they are complete - they are selfish because they lack.

If we are truly "full" and at peace with us the natural outflow is to take the love we have for ourselves and love our neighbors with it. Without exception, the times when I am selfish are times when I am hurting. Without exception, the times when I am loving and giving are when the world seems right.

If I hate me - the natural outflow is for me to hate others.

2008 is a year for me to look good naked. I am determined to get over myself enough to be happy in my own skin. I am determined to bare it all to help others. I am determined to stop wasting one more minute, one more hour, one more day obsessing negatively about ME.

Looking good naked is a great place to start and it is much more than skin deep. Our motives are naked before God. Our hearts are naked before God. Our thoughts are naked before Him as well.

Looking good naked should be the motive for everything.

I have been away from the office since the 21st of December.

It was the first time I have left on vacation and did not have to come in to fix a problem. Since I am the only IT person and the only one that knows how to read a user manual, I have job security like no other.

This time was different and it was unnervingly quiet over vacation. I think I received one cell phone call the whole week and not one work related call. Not one desperate call to inform me the internet was down, or that email was broken, or that all the files on the server mysteriously disappeared.

Nothing.

So here I sit, an hour and a half after arriving from a week away with everything completed.

For the rest of the week.

I have a small freelance project to work on that will take me all of 5 minutes to complete, but other than that I got nothin. Zip. Zero. Nada.

While sitting here contemplating what I could do for the next hour before leaving for my Al-Anon meeting, a conversation down the hall bumped into my consciousness. It was one of our sales weasels talking to a client. Apparently his vacation was not so uneventful, because I could hear the familiar backpedal of platitudes one gets while trying to save ones nether regions. Apparently his client had a firm grip on bits and pieces and was applying pressure.

A funny thing happens when faced with pain or even discomfort, we tend to do and say anything to get out of it. I have noticed this with my children, but obviously this behavior is not age specific as Mr. sales weasel was saying anything to mollify his client.

It worked. She bought the explanation that we use scales to count the number of sheets we deliver and that her shortage was simply a calibration issue, one that has never happened before.

If someone tells you "it never happened before" you can all but guarantee a Clintonesque "is - is" is happening to you. It may have never happened before in 2008, but shorting a client on product is a given in printing, especially this shop.

So as I sit waiting for the next project to drop out of the sky, our new "Christian" sales weasel down the hall has successfully summited the pinnacle of capitalistic virtues by painting with broad stokes. Although not technically a lie, certainly not truth.

Sales weasel has perfected the art of lying.

What does compromise cost in 2008?

Apparently 8% commission on a $500.00 print job.

Apparently this sort of thing is genetic, because Alex "hinted" the day he bought our iTunes gift cards what he was giving us for Christmas. "I was looking through the electronics department at Target, and it just jumped out at me, the perfect gift for everyone! I got one for each of you." He tried the old big box little gift thing but only because it was fun for him to think he was fooling us.

Elizabeth started angling for gifts to open on the 22nd and persisted until we basically gave in and let her open one on Christmas Eve. We usually do this anyway, but it was fun to make her think she got her way. Each night she would plead her case and snuggle up close to Daddy with those sweet hazel eyes but I am immune to her charm. I can't say the same for her mother, I am still a sucker when it comes to her.

Alex had been rummaging through the gift bags all week informing the recipient that they would "really like their gifts", so needless to say there were few surprises this Christmas.

But there was one!

And I can't tell you.

Because it is a secret.

So you are just going to have to wait until 2008 to find out.

Actually, I am going to have to wait until 2008 to find out as well so we will wait together.

Patiently.

Just to warn you I don't wait patiently so I may sneak a peek before I tell you.

That's just how I roll. Don't hate the player hate the game. Growing up in a household of 8 has imprinted the survival rule that it is every man for himself.

But if I find out before 2008 I will most definitely let you know!

not.

The lack of secret keeping may be genetic, but a funny thing happens with genetics.

Time changes them.

;)

I have determined that 2007 was an upside down year.

I had no idea our stop in Wisconsin October of 2006 on the way to visit relatives was a premonition for the year to come, but there can be no doubt that 2007 for me was the beginning of undoing.

Time has a funny way of pilling up changes to the point where you must deal with them. I am sure there is a divine directive in this but since measuring God is nearly impossible, time will have to do.

Time was pilling it on in 2007.

I don't even remember 2007 being all that spectacular. It was filled with the usual doldrum of work that will horrifically be 10 years in January. It is almost inconceivable that I have spent 10 years of my life in the same office. 10 years driving to the same location. Apparently I needed that much time to get whatever I was supposed to get out of that job. I am all but certain I will not be there much past 2008. I still have no idea what is next, but I can feel that change is on the horizon.

Change has taken on a new meaning for me in 2007. The year proved that even though times get tough, economies turn for the worse, wars linger, and dreams die, change is just around the corner. Walk the path of patience long enough and a fork will be found, or better said the fork will find you. Hold onto indecision long enough and it will turn into a decision. Learning to trust that waiting can be the best action is a lesson garnered only by experience.

Trust can only be experienced by finding yourself in a place where you must. I still don't like it, but what I think is becoming less important to what I know. I know better in 2007.

The best thing learned this last year was that "I don't know" is an answer. It is as complete an answer as "I do know" and always preferable to "I think I know". "I don't know" was the start of so many wonderful things like "I don't want" and the second best thing I learned, "no". "No" and I have become best friends, much to the chagrin of those that never heard it uttered by me. "Yes" has been added lately, but it is always slung and counterbalanced with no. No can be cut loose at any time and always trumps yes. Yes is just the trail blazer for no.

There can be no doubt to those who have watched me this year that 2007 was a banner year for me marked by the simple fact that nothing spectacular happened. There was no crisis. There was no "have to". The most noteworthy thing was that there was no noteworthy thing. Even blogging took on a different flavor as concern for real change trumped the internal drive for change simply for the sake of change.

Mind you, this year has not been without its drama. In fact, more had transpired this year in the way of real crisis than I can remember in long time. The difference is that this time around there is simply nothing I can do about it. It is all external, and as such, is completely out of my control. Sure I still worry about it, but I find myself able to (for the most part) put things into perspective and realize that if things are to change, God is the one who has to do it. It is all on Him, so either way it will turn out good.

I realized that truth about a month ago and it has made all the difference. I am not 100% there yet, but most days I look with anticipation to what may come. Dread has been replaced with hope and even though I have a vivid imagination about all that could be, I choose to dwell on what is.

2007 was an upside down year. 2008 will be all right.

I am a Ron Paul fan but this article got me thinking.

I know there are dissenting views on how things should be run in America, but the bottom line for me is that I can not stand the idea of the Clinton's running the country for another 4 years.

Do you realize that two families have been in power for over twenty years! Two - the Bush's and the Clinton's.

Think about it.

If Hillary gets the nod and convinces the "give me class" to use the power of government to steal your wealth and give it to them, we are setting ourselves up for 24 or 28 years of rule from just two families, two ideals, two ways of thinking, two lines of power.

Make no mistake, Hillary has one thing in mind - socialism. She is no more concerned about traditional American values of liberty, family, and faith than she is in defending the constitution. The constitution is simply a roadblock, a "living document", a framework, something to be manipulated to take power away from the people.

Make no mistake, the GOP has one thing in mind - fascism. Both parties are on the same track, just different trains. Do NOT be fooled again by fear and the flag and the cross and vote your freedom away. The education bill, NAFTA, CAFTA, no child left behind, the horrific Patriot Act, which effectively gives dictatorship authority to the president and suspends all your civil liberties and rights if deemed a "terrorist" all happened on the GOP watch.


Think NAFTA is no big deal?

Sinclair Lewis said: "When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross."

28 years is a long time people.

We are not subjects - we are free people. We are not to be ruled over, we are to be governed by men and women we elect to represent US! The power behind the office of President is granted by the people. It is not a right for a privileged few, it is the office of the people, for the people, by the people.

Don't you think it is time for someone else to have a go at it?

What are the odds that I would read about my beloved alma mater on Apple's website? I used to work in that "Super Computer Lab" they talk about in the article. I was working there when we got the new Apple Quadra 700's with 8MB or RAM! I have more RAM on my cell phone.

I like to think I was instrumental in pushing the envelope at the lab, and just maybe some of my curiosity rubbed off. I was the first to export DXF files from Autocad to Strata much to the amazement of my professors and disgust of my classmates.


I still remember creating that bike, saving it to a floppy disk, walking it over to the Macintosh and importing it. It Worked!

I miss the excitement of discovery. Most days the most excitement I get around here is not hitting traffic on the way home.

Of course all that was eons ago, over 15 years! In any case, it is good to see that BSU is still leading the way in creative thinking.

I just upgraded my iMac to 10.5, and was browsing my Windows network at the office and I noticed these cute little Windows PC Server icons.
Being a savvy network administrator, I thought I noticed something "familiar" with the image on the screen. So I opened the network in "cover flow" and had to laugh.




The screen on the Windows PC's are all blue screens of death!

HA HA HA HA HA!

See, this is what I love about Apple - not only do they create incredible hardware and software, they have creative people that take the time to add that little extra to make something great.

I have determined that learning to trust is one of those lessons that must be experienced in order to master. Trust is an action - like swimming - you can't really learn how to swim by reading about it, or talking about it, or thinking about it.

The only way we learn how to swim is to get wet.

It is this realization, and ONLY this realization, that has allowed me to walk down this road of learning to trust. Walk is too strong a word, it is more like crawl, or perhaps a slow shuffle. In any case I am determined to do what ever it takes to make forward progress. At times it feels like the only thing moving me on is my stubborn determination to prove that if trust is an experience, come hell or high water, I WILL experience it.

Sink or swim - I am getting wet.

The anonymous card the usher handed me at church on our way out yesterday was a startling splash in the face. I certainly wasn't expecting the $250.00 gift card. I never even fought the temptation an hour earlier to keep my tithe check or balked at giving the $25.00 for the staff, even though the act guaranteed my kids would have one less gift this year. And my reward for dipping a toe into the deep waters of faith was I didn't drown!

I know it is almost impossible to drown getting a toe wet, but I assure you that small act from my vantage point was not unlike tipping over the edge of Niagara Falls.

This week looks like it may be a "knee deep" week. The funny thing is the water doesn't seem all that bad now that I have been in it a while. There are no crashing waves, no slippery rocks. No one is pushing me off the dock or throwing me off the boat. This learning to swim is nothing if not....

Peaceful.

I was looking through my photo library today and found these 2 pictures my son took.

It got me thinking about pictures, how powerful they are, and why I seem to forget that I love photography.

There really is no good excuse why I haven't taken more pictures. I have a decent digital SLR, a great Macintosh computer, I am an expert in PhotoShop, and have all the time I need to play. The only thing I can point to is that I have simply lost interest in a subject.

My son loves his cats so when he gets in the mood to click the cats are his muse.

I got no muse.

My New Year's resolution is to make time for pictures.

My New Year's resolution is to find my muse.

I.Love.This.Guy

humor, that is.


ER Part 1


ER Part 2


Doctor


Walkie Talkie

It is that time of year again.

Time to gather with friends and family at local concerts, with local talent, and remember why you serve wine at the after party.

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Can't wait to see this thing flying over VA!

Amen.